The Ivy League boyfriend your mom warned you about—gaslights in MLA citation format and still thinks he’s not the victim.

This cable-knit sweater-under-ballistic-vest combo is screaming "fall semester internship at Goldman, spring semester on trial." The perfectly crisp collar playing peekaboo says he still unironically uses the word "prestigious" on LinkedIn and probably over-articulates when he says “allegedly.” His whole energy is curated to exude control—eye contact calculated, curls effortless, but that stare? That’s the look of a man who says “technically I didn’t lie” then texts you 3 months later from a burner.